In a surprise move, one-time member of the human race and former ruler of Britannia, Princess Tony Blair, has been head-hunted to advise the troubled Blackwater security firm. US federal prosecutors are, of course, investigating allegations that employees of Blackwater are responsible for the shooting dead of up to 20 Iraqi civilians. Mr Blair is, however, “entirely cool with massacres of unarmed civilians”, according to his spin doctors.The slightly effeminate Blair, who had recently been (self) tipped to take over at crisis-ridden financial giant, Northern Rock, will now be taking time away from his peace-making efforts in the Middle East to specifically advise Blackwater on beefing up cleanliness at British hospitals.
The UK government has just announced that "exclusion zones" will be established around whatever British hospital facilities are still open following the current wave of cutbacks, with only medical staff and managers allowed inside the cordon. Skilled marksmen from the Blackwater security firm will enforce the ban on movement.
"This is an entirely prudent precaution," said Health Secretary Alan Johnson. "Governments have been aware for decades that illnesses of all types are brought into hospitals by ill people, who then pass them on” Tone had this to say-”you know, I’ve often thought that we need to be tough on the ill. NHS facilities really ought to be considered free fire zones”. Mr Blair added:"...frankly I ‘ve got about 25 mortagages to pay and new ones appearing every day so I need to make some dough, folks.Fuck you very much, I'll work for whoever I damn well please."
Stay tuned for regular updates.
*Tony Blair is, of course, not employed by Blackwater....that much is a product of my fevered imagination. For their part, Blackwater would never stoop to employing such an obvious madman.