Saturday, October 20, 2007

I need help!

Years ago, whenever I went to the dentist it really hurt. To make things worse, the dentist I had growing up always had peanut butter breath. The last time I went to a dentist here in the Third World, the guy drilled right into a nerve. It was the most painful ******* experience of my life, and because of it, I can't stand going to the dentist, even if only for teeth cleaning. I was so miserable about that last experience that I haven’t been back in a while....about 5 years, to be precise.
Something I have in common with many English folks. In fact, dentists are virtually unknown in Britania. I think that asshole Tony Blair abolished them. Or shot them. Or something.
Personally, I just don't like people sticking their hands in my mouth. Or inserting metal hooks, for that matter. Unless I’m nekkid and in the mood.I despise the very thought of dentistry. With all due respect to the highly professional, well educated and well meaning dentists out there (that's the rational part of me speaking...), in my irrational mind you are all a bunch of freakin’ voodoo doctors. What is it with dentists? We all know they're just flaky soldiers of Beelzebub that really couldn't make it into medical school...
That said...I have very recently had several teeth extracted, deep cleaning, root canal and gum surgery. The gum surgery occured 5 days ago and the Percocet and Motrin (800 mg) is not helping the pain and the swelling is getting worse. Any suggestions? Apart from suicide and cocaine (I just don’t have the cash)...
Damn it all.
My post seems to have inspired others to reflect on British dentistry (if it still exists)

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The News You Need To know but the Jews won’t let you Hear

In a surprise move, one-time member of the human race and former ruler of Britannia, Princess Tony Blair, has been head-hunted to advise the troubled Blackwater security firm. US federal prosecutors are, of course, investigating allegations that employees of Blackwater are responsible for the shooting dead of up to 20 Iraqi civilians. Mr Blair is, however, “entirely cool with massacres of unarmed civilians”, according to his spin doctors.The slightly effeminate Blair, who had recently been (self) tipped to take over at crisis-ridden financial giant, Northern Rock, will now be taking time away from his peace-making efforts in the Middle East to specifically advise Blackwater on beefing up cleanliness at British hospitals.
The UK government has just announced that "exclusion zones" will be established around whatever British hospital facilities are still open following the current wave of cutbacks, with only medical staff and managers allowed inside the cordon. Skilled marksmen from the Blackwater security firm will enforce the ban on movement.
"This is an entirely prudent precaution," said Health Secretary Alan Johnson. "Governments have been aware for decades that illnesses of all types are brought into hospitals by ill people, who then pass them on” Tone had this to say-”you know, I’ve often thought that we need to be tough on the ill. NHS facilities really ought to be considered free fire zones”. Mr Blair added:"...frankly I ‘ve got about 25 mortagages to pay and new ones appearing every day so I need to make some dough, folks.Fuck you very much, I'll work for whoever I damn well please."
Stay tuned for regular updates.
*Tony Blair is, of course, not employed by Blackwater....that much is a product of my fevered imagination. For their part, Blackwater would never stoop to employing such an obvious madman.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The South may not rise again!

Alabama... isn’t that the US state which always comes in dead last in state school and public health rankings (or is perhaps tied with Mississippi)? Well, Alabama has always had a reputation for being a little behind the times...perhaps not unjustifiably so.
This very week, the U.S. Supreme Court declined to hear a challenge to Alabama’s law banning the sale of sex toys. Alabama is one of a handful of states, including Texas and Georgia, with laws restricting sales of sex toys. The Alabama “anti-obscenity” law bans the sale of sex toys but not their possession. Violators are subject to a maximum $10,000 fine and one year in jail.
Surely, sex toys are in the ...uh... eye of the beholder. Will they outlaw selling whipped cream or ice cubes or handcuffs? How about zucchini or falafels? Or those cell phones that vibrate? C'mon people, this is the 21st century after all... What you do in your bedroom is your business... How about flavoured condoms? Couldn't (wouldn't) they be considered a toy of sorts? Where does it end? The argument “but officer it's just a "neck massager, honest” certainly isn’t gonna work in Alabama. Just to be "safe", I would recommend forced amputation of fingers. The risk is just too great of someone, somewhere (God forbid!) giving themselves pleasure. Once again, Alabamians are getting the shaft, just not in their local store;-)
Question: If you are busted buying a dildo in Alabama, will you have to register with the state as a sex crime offender? Think about it.