Tuesday, September 18, 2007

In a world that stinks to high heaven….a book that offers hope


I don’t give a crap about this. Nor this shit. And this guy can take a hike too.
What concerns me is something much closer to home...a matter that stares us all in the face at some point or other.
In communities everywhere, dog owners just don't seem to bother to pick up after their dogs-and the poo is everywhere - on the grass next to the street when you park the car, at the playgroup, at the park and down the street on the sidewalk(fact:it is estimated there are 7.4 million dogs in the UK. Together, they produce some 1,000 tonnes of faeces every day.There's a a pestilential plague of poo everywhere. But does that poop necessarily always belong to dogs? Not all of it, that’s for sure. Think about it. For my internets wife, Kitty, well, she might be faced by dingo turds, for example as she sashays her way to the mall. For my *special* friend Little Lamb, ovine fecal matter could be the order of the day everyday, and for Jenny! we could be talking about the droppings of any number of homeless people in the Windy City. Last but not least, there's Mr MightyDyckerson who has recently (perhaps unforgettably) covered this issue with a unique contribution all of his own. In future, you need never waste time speculating as to the origin of the turd on the grass in front of you or on the beach. Why? My friends, I present to you a comprehensive guide to identifying the droppings of every beast from aardvarks to yaks. A tome devoted to the animalistic turd in all its glory. An encyclopedia of excretion. A compendium of crap. A folio on faeces.The concept behind What Shat That? is a simple one: yearn no longer to merely identify the animal poop before you, learn to understand it. But,ladies and gentlemen, you really can learn a lot of serious and fascinating facts about nature in the book. It is surely a book that will be cherished by any nature-lover, amateur biologist or poop devotee and Christmas is not far way. Buy your loved ones some crap they can actually learn something from this Xmas.It really is not bad for a load of old poo. You could do worse.....I mean who would want to read this shit?

20 comments:

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I think knowledge is useful.

Mostly.

I fear this a bit like Stamp collecting, something I'll never quite see the point in.

electro-kevin said...

Does ANY animal digest sweetcorn ???

Little Lamb said...

You mentioned my name in connection to crap.

Kitty said...

Stanley I'll have you know that Astrayan's are a refined bunch contrary to popular opinion!!!

There are strict rules here about dog shit. It is not tolerated. When your dog craps, you gotta take it with you baby. I believe the government reserves the right to shoot you and/or the dog if you breach this strict condition.

I see insane fuckwits walking their dogs with a clutch of plastic bags all the time. Imagine. I watch their dog crap, always delightful, and then the owner leaning down and picking up dog shit that is still warm. *SHUDDER*

If a spaceship landed on this ridiculous planet and the green martians took a gander. I wonder who they would assume was in charge? The dog leading the way....or the fuckwit scurrying behind picking up their shit?

No, I'm not a pet lover.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Is it true that lymie dogs shit on the left side of the sidewalk?

Lambo - The two go hand in hand.

Krissie said...

...and that is why people shouldn't keep pets in apartments. The law should be No yard - no pet!

phishez_rule said...

I know people who really do have books on identifying poo. Me, I don't need a book. I can tell you the difference in the types of poo of the animals I work with my shape, size, texture and smell.

Animal people are odd that way.

Newmania said...

This intolerance reminds me of the worst excesses of the Turd Reich

mutleythedog said...

If you had my nose Mr Stan! You would not need a book - one sniff tells you who? What ? and everything they have eaten for the last 48 hours...

Yes really!

Helen said...

Sadly, I could see that book winding up on my shelves. Can one tell the variances of bird shit? I mean besides the obvious goose and chicken excreta, I want to know who eats red pokeberries all day and sleeps above my car at night.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hey Stan...you know your shit. My neighbor's dog came and did a poo on my front yard. I saw the little rat do a turd half his size. I grabbed a shovel and scooped it and tossed it on his door step. We have lease laws here in California I told him. What, for my little dog? He replied. NO, for your wife. Who else would wear a lease? The butt-wipe couldn't take his eyes off my rack...Hey...hey...up here. Try to stay with me here. Ramone...my gardener doesn't like to pick up poo and...huh? Yeah...the guy without the T-shirt with the big muscles...yeah him. I don't want to lose him. ha.

Hey, OJ did it. I remember getting ice cream at that Ben and Jerry's next to that restaurant. Down the street is where she was murdered.

Do you know that the man that bought OJ's house had it torn down and a new house was built in it's place. No...well now you do.

Later Stan...are you really in Turkey?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Stan...Okay back from another meeting. Whew...I knew I slaughtered my previous comment somehow...you know I meant leash, right? No...well now you do. Ciao Stan.

EmmaK said...

I want that book! I think it would be a great idea if it came with a snatch and sniff cover.

Stan!! said...

Crushed,
Ignorance is bliss.Some knowledge is bullshit. Like Marxism or anything by L.Ron Hubbard. You want knowledge? I got knowledge for ya. Did you know that during the Vietnam War, the CIA developed radio transmitters disguised as tiger poo as part of its surveillance operations on the Ho Chi Minh trail?
Electro-Kev,
I'll look into it.I guess librarians across the land will be giving thanks that it didn't come out in a scratch-and-sniff edition.
Little Lamb,
I feel your anger. It's quite a turn on.....let me tell ya.
Kitty,
The book was inspired by a trip to Australia, where a friend of the author's pointed to a pile of koala poo and uttered the immortal phrase "What shat that?"
Mighty Dyck,
Our dogs shit wherever they like...as does much of the populace-it's a free country.
Krissie,
I agree. Totally.You could be my pet,ya know...I'd supply a leash.
Phisez,
Texture? Hmmmm. This book is gonna sell.Make no mistake about it.
Mutley,
If I had your nose....I imagine people might look at me in a rather odd fashion. But damn it...I envy you,Mutters.
Helen,
This book is not to be sniffed at. I imagine a discerning bibliophile/hiker/trekker/ like yourself might appreciate the manifold virtues of this particular book.

Stan!! said...

Emmak,
The thought occurred to me as well.
I am pleasured by your visit to my blog.Another displaced Londoner in foreign parts...

Stan!! said...

Spiky Zora Jones,
I can't take my eyes off your rack either. Your neighbour's dog certainly knows how to lay a log.
When I had my first dog I got into quite a panic when I saw she had done white poo, only to remember that she had been demolishing a marrow bone the day before. Now I'm cool about shit like that....
There's nothing like finding a warm one on the lawn with a paw print in it when the dogs have just run back inside the house!!!
So that makes two of us as far as OJ goes. In this last case, there's too much doubt. Too many pieces of the puzzle missing.
Yes, I'm in Turkey. Really-go check my site meter. Are you really in the San Fernando Valley, cup cake?

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

In Cardiff I used to live in a flat which overloked the then "Arms Park". Many times coachloads of rugby supporters would stop, the men would get off and go and relieve themselves against the wall opposite. I know this is not about crap but it's crap behaviour! And people go on about dogs? I keep a dog in an apartment, btw and I always clean up after her when we are out.

Miss Smack said...

YUK! I often take two beagles for a walk on the beach with their owner, my best friend. She takes Edmund. I take Benson. The reason I take Benson is because Edmund shits every freakin' five minutes and I cannot pick up this warm, still simmering turd. Oh dear god. NO.

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