Thursday, February 19, 2009

Inspired by Mandy

This does not mark a resumption of service. I am too busy getting gloriously rich.

Mandelson.Some might regard him as a poisonous creep of the highest degree and one many would never like to have dinner with. I beg to differ, guv.
I’m glad Mandelson, Baron Mandelson, is back. He's quite adept at giving Americans a good tongue lashing.That's for sure. He was the victim of two of the most vicious media witch-hunts in recent political memory. For Mandelson to have been forced to resign twice as a result of accusations that were eventually shown to be groundless on both occasions, is something which should greatly concern anyone who claims to be an intimate of democratic politics. Yes he borrowed money from a ministor and kept it quiet, yes it was illegal, yes it was immoral, yes it was unnaceptable behaviour for a minister of the Crown.
Yes he lied.
But its ok.
My own tuppence-worth is that the ressurrection of this potent symbol of the Blair era will bring the masses flocking back to the essential sense and decency of NuLabour.
In other words, the Labour death march to oblivion is turning into a jog. Good job, Gord.
Mandy will play his part to perfection.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Down-and-dirty Dyck under pressure

From the Campaign Trail:
A firestorm of controversy engulfed Mighty Dyckerson's front-running campaign for the US presidency Sunday over a report insinuating he might have veered off the straight and narrow during his first, failed White House bid four years ago.
Concerns arose in the Dyckerson camp when a certain Miss Lamb began appearing with the candidate at fund-raisers, visiting his offices and accompanying him on a client's jet in 2004. Dyckerson's campaign four years ago is best remembered now for an innovative electioneering strategy pledging free internet porn to seniors.
At a heated press conference this afternoon, media mogul Dyckerson categorically denied inserting his penis in anyone's vagina.Dyckerson also dismissed questions about oral sex and cigars.
When one reporter asked, "If you have a politician, an elected official, and they can't be trusted in their own marriage, how can I trust them with the budget? How can I trust them with national security?" a clearly emotional Dyckerson responded by pointing to his genitals.
Dyckerson's wife and first cousin, Dyckette, was fully supportive of her husbands declaration. "He hasn't gotten it up since 1997", she revealed.
Several other women claimed they have also had sex with Dyckerson but they were too ashamed to speak to the news media. One woman did agree to speak so long as she remained anonymous.
"I'm afraid people will says 'that's the best you can do? You poor thing!' If Karla did have sex with him that's what I would say too!" Dyckerson who claims to possess a 22 inch penis (when folded) has refused to comment further on the current whirl of accusations.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Screw Santa

Well, it’s about that time of the month again when I scrape together a post so here goes ( And this particular post should give pause for thought over the Yuletide season).
This Christmas Eve millions and millions of little children will climb into their beds looking for the glorious appearing of Santa Claus.
But …..
Is Santa Claus just a jolly, harmless, friendly fellow?
Or is there something or someone else hiding behind jolly ol’ St. Nick?
Surely anyone with a modicum of intelligence would realize that Santa is in reality a prejudice pedophile, bent on world domination. He promotes consumerism, communism, and obesity. Not only that, but his treatment of Mrs. Claus is atrocious. Santa is also a blatant racist. He is completely anti-Semitic and prints anti-Semitic literature. He is always talking about how the "nice" little boys and girls will get presents at Christmas. Did you ever wonder why no little Jewish boys and girls ever get a Tonka truck under the menorah from Santa? It's because Santa is affiliated with the KKK!! In fact he's heading it up!
The only solution is to put an end to Santa Claus. He is obviously the one and only reason why humans have become so utterly wicked. His tendency to feed on small children and his plan for world domination, should make Santa Claus Public Enemy Number One this year. So next time you take your child to see Santa Claus, give him a gun and say, "Honey, if Santa tries to cop a feel this year, blow his brains out." Besides, your kid can't be tried as an adult anyway, so what's the harm really if you think about it.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Stan is back!

I've been away. I have my reasons. Doubtless my vast blogging talents have been sorely missed.
It started out as just a simple way to pass the time. I mean, everyone was doing it, right? You know....Facebook. Intending merely to test the waters, I was instead swept out to sea – up the Facebook creek without a paddle.You know like when you make your first priority to check your e-mail in the morning, just in case someone added you or messaged your Facebook account overnight.

I resisted the Facebook craze for a long time, primarily because I didn't need another electronic medium to remind me that nobody likes me. As it is, nobody AIMs me, all my best e-mail friends ever want to talk about is penis enlargement and Russian brides.
I've been invited on Facebook many times in the last couple of months (I'm not bragging, a demented clown could probably sign up and people would soon be leaving messages on his wall and joining his networks and tagging his photos). Intending merely to test the waters, I have instead been swept out to sea – up the Facebook creek without a paddle.
So get out there, poke some strangers.
Let’s face the facts here, people like to know that other people are thinking about them. The more people the better. What Facebook does is it allows you to broadcast yourself a lot easier and faster than any other website has in the past. What better way to wile the hours away (apart from porn)than to stick your nose into other people’s business without them really knowng you’re doing it. Relationships, friends, hobbies, purchases and moods… there’s little you can’t find out about someone on Facebook.
It is a stalker's dream.
Deep, deep down, maybe we're all big losers. Everyone who would rather post a message on someone's wall than actually look him or her in the eye and say hello is ultimately a useless individual. Everybody except me, though. I'm cool.
So if you’ll excuse me, I have a profile to update. ‘wonder if Ms. Babble has an account.
Tyler has.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

I need help!

Years ago, whenever I went to the dentist it really hurt. To make things worse, the dentist I had growing up always had peanut butter breath. The last time I went to a dentist here in the Third World, the guy drilled right into a nerve. It was the most painful ******* experience of my life, and because of it, I can't stand going to the dentist, even if only for teeth cleaning. I was so miserable about that last experience that I haven’t been back in a while....about 5 years, to be precise.
Something I have in common with many English folks. In fact, dentists are virtually unknown in Britania. I think that asshole Tony Blair abolished them. Or shot them. Or something.
Personally, I just don't like people sticking their hands in my mouth. Or inserting metal hooks, for that matter. Unless I’m nekkid and in the mood.I despise the very thought of dentistry. With all due respect to the highly professional, well educated and well meaning dentists out there (that's the rational part of me speaking...), in my irrational mind you are all a bunch of freakin’ voodoo doctors. What is it with dentists? We all know they're just flaky soldiers of Beelzebub that really couldn't make it into medical school...
That said...I have very recently had several teeth extracted, deep cleaning, root canal and gum surgery. The gum surgery occured 5 days ago and the Percocet and Motrin (800 mg) is not helping the pain and the swelling is getting worse. Any suggestions? Apart from suicide and cocaine (I just don’t have the cash)...
Damn it all.
My post seems to have inspired others to reflect on British dentistry (if it still exists)

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The News You Need To know but the Jews won’t let you Hear

In a surprise move, one-time member of the human race and former ruler of Britannia, Princess Tony Blair, has been head-hunted to advise the troubled Blackwater security firm. US federal prosecutors are, of course, investigating allegations that employees of Blackwater are responsible for the shooting dead of up to 20 Iraqi civilians. Mr Blair is, however, “entirely cool with massacres of unarmed civilians”, according to his spin doctors.The slightly effeminate Blair, who had recently been (self) tipped to take over at crisis-ridden financial giant, Northern Rock, will now be taking time away from his peace-making efforts in the Middle East to specifically advise Blackwater on beefing up cleanliness at British hospitals.
The UK government has just announced that "exclusion zones" will be established around whatever British hospital facilities are still open following the current wave of cutbacks, with only medical staff and managers allowed inside the cordon. Skilled marksmen from the Blackwater security firm will enforce the ban on movement.
"This is an entirely prudent precaution," said Health Secretary Alan Johnson. "Governments have been aware for decades that illnesses of all types are brought into hospitals by ill people, who then pass them on” Tone had this to say-”you know, I’ve often thought that we need to be tough on the ill. NHS facilities really ought to be considered free fire zones”. Mr Blair added:"...frankly I ‘ve got about 25 mortagages to pay and new ones appearing every day so I need to make some dough, folks.Fuck you very much, I'll work for whoever I damn well please."
Stay tuned for regular updates.
*Tony Blair is, of course, not employed by Blackwater....that much is a product of my fevered imagination. For their part, Blackwater would never stoop to employing such an obvious madman.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The South may not rise again!

Alabama... isn’t that the US state which always comes in dead last in state school and public health rankings (or is perhaps tied with Mississippi)? Well, Alabama has always had a reputation for being a little behind the times...perhaps not unjustifiably so.
This very week, the U.S. Supreme Court declined to hear a challenge to Alabama’s law banning the sale of sex toys. Alabama is one of a handful of states, including Texas and Georgia, with laws restricting sales of sex toys. The Alabama “anti-obscenity” law bans the sale of sex toys but not their possession. Violators are subject to a maximum $10,000 fine and one year in jail.
Surely, sex toys are in the ...uh... eye of the beholder. Will they outlaw selling whipped cream or ice cubes or handcuffs? How about zucchini or falafels? Or those cell phones that vibrate? C'mon people, this is the 21st century after all... What you do in your bedroom is your business... How about flavoured condoms? Couldn't (wouldn't) they be considered a toy of sorts? Where does it end? The argument “but officer it's just a "neck massager, honest” certainly isn’t gonna work in Alabama. Just to be "safe", I would recommend forced amputation of fingers. The risk is just too great of someone, somewhere (God forbid!) giving themselves pleasure. Once again, Alabamians are getting the shaft, just not in their local store;-)
Question: If you are busted buying a dildo in Alabama, will you have to register with the state as a sex crime offender? Think about it.